A teenager and conflicts

Question from dad: a son of 12 years old, all the time arguing that you won’t ask, no matter what he says – everything is “with hostility”. When his arguments are over, he can scream: “You don’t understand anything including https://argoprep.com/blog/norm-referenced-vs-criterion-referenced-test/!” and slam the door. What to do?

A question from my mother: my daughter is 13 years old, school performance has fallen, things are constantly scattered in her room at home, dirty tea cups have not been removed, the table is littered with some kind of rubbish. To all my remarks, he defiantly puts on headphones and is silent.

How to get through?

Yes, the transition from childhood to adolescence often goes unnoticed by parents. Just yesterday, the child is docile, obedient and calm, but today it is suddenly “ruffy” and “prickly”. This causes bewilderment, confusion and a desire to return everything to its rut. Not here – it was! It is very important for a teenager to preserve the feeling of adulthood that has appeared, the feeling of being an adult – it becomes the central neoplasm of younger adolescence. There is an irresistible desire, if not to be, then at least to seem and be considered an adult. Defending his new rights, a teenager protects many areas of his life from the control of his parents and often comes into conflict with them. This explains the ignoring of mother’s requests to clean in her room: “My territory – my rules!”, And the perception of “with hostility”, and slamming doors. Even so, but insist on your own.
Well, okay, everything is clear, conflicts are inevitable. But how to make sure that they do not become the daily norm of life and do not destroy relationships?
… There is another lesson of the group “Take it and do it!”. Adolescents 12-14 years old. The theme is “Developing the skills of adequate expression of one’s emotions.” Of course, it is impossible to avoid conflicts. I see it touches a nerve, everyone is actively involved in the process, arguing “do conflicts benefit or only harm relationships”, give examples. Eyes are burning, voices are getting louder. It’s time to move activity into a peaceful direction. I propose to discuss the question of how people behave in conflict and what behavior is useful and what harms. Consider the behavioral strategies identified by Thomas: rivalry (competition), cooperation, adaptation, avoidance and compromise. I don’t explain anything in advance, it’s interesting how they will decide on their own, in the discussion. The task is to highlight the pros and cons of each strategy.
The bottom line is:
– adaptation – there seems to be no conflict or it fades away very quickly, but your interests and https://argoprep.com/blog/things-you-need-to-know-about-pedagogy/ are never taken into account, you don’t seem to have them,
– avoidance – again there is no open conflict – this is a plus, but if you slowly, without proving anything to anyone, do what you think is necessary, the conflict can flare up and it will be difficult to resolve it constructively,
– it turned out to be the easiest to find disadvantages in rivalry – a person goes to his goal at any cost, not taking into account the interests of other people – this is bad, such behavior can destroy relationships.
– What about the benefits?
– No benefits!
– Can’t be. Think again.
After a short reflection, they come to the conclusion that the goal is achieved, the person who uses rivalry achieves his goal!
– They puffed for a long time over the “compromise”, figured out what it was and where the catch was. Finally, they absolutely determined that it is good to make mutual concessions, but only until one side begins to feel that “I always give in more”.
– Collaboration was also difficult. After all, it is immediately clear – an excellent strategy, the interests of all parties are satisfied, everyone is satisfied and happy. What can be the downsides? No cons, everything is good! Please think. They sniff, they resist. Well, it’s a good strategy!.. But how else, they want to insist on their own.
Then I propose to play a situation in which one will demonstrate the strategy of cooperation, and the second will be me.
– I bought cheese from you yesterday. It is hard, nasty, tasteless! (this is me)
Hello, I’m listening to you. What happened? – my opponent was a little confused, but he orients himself quickly. I manage to rejoice.
– What happened? How did it happen? I was sold in your store is not clear what! – getting into a role
– Let’s take a look at the situation. – keep young
– What can we figure out? Your store – it’s not clear at all! And people buy food for children!
– … You are not satisfied with the quality of the product? We can…
– What can you do? Where did you learn how to communicate with clients?
My partner is completely confused, looks around at the group. The group is whispering. And then an insight: he wanted to agree with you and solve everything, and you came to swear! Yes!
Here is the conclusion: cooperation is possible only in one case, if both communication partners are ready to cooperate! So, you need to learn this, you need to learn to cooperate and resolve conflicts, taking into account the interests of both your own and the other person.